Wandering in the Dark
March 3, 2025
According to Mary Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain notes that grieving is a lot like walking in the dark. It is like getting up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and as you walk in the dark toward the kitchen, you realize that someone stole your dining room table. You know this because at that exact moment on the way to the kitchen, you realize that your hip did not bump into the table…another words…the absence of something is what your brain tries to understand in that dark room in the middle the night. It is all so unfamiliar.
O’Connor explains that we all walk in two simultaneous worlds; the one in virtual reality where our brain maps out what is suppose to happen and then the present experience, where one comes to grips with the fact that “the table is gone”, a loved one has died. No one expects a loved one to be gone. No one prepares for pain this intense.
In The Grieving Brain, O’Connor takes a look at the heart wrenching and painful conclusion that we must learn to cope with the two worlds…the gone and the everlasting.
O’Connor explains the old model of grief, the 1969 famous book On Death & Dying from Elizabeth Kubler Ross, while groundbreaking at the time, it hit a nerve and touched the hearts and minds of the culture. Kubler Ross interviewed dying patients and described what happened through loss and mortality. It is the grief model the world remembers and yet according to O’Connor, over time proved through research, inaccurate and incomplete. Take any psychology 101 class and students memorize the stages of grief: Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. The problem is grief is as individual as the people that grieve. Not all people go through all these stages or in a particular order. People took the things Kubler-Ross described as description and prescribed it as formula or process to heal from grief.
About ten years ago now, I sat in my counselor’s office, she asked me where I was in my stage of grief. I balked at this assertion. I replied, “I do not have to go through stages as this is dictated…I will not.” I instinctively knew something was the matter with this prescription given to me. Did I have good days and bad days? Surely. Did I experience anger, frustration, and moments of being down? Of course.
Yet, I knew from my confirmation study that my battle was daily, in fact, my struggle and battle were not of this world.
Ephesians 6:10, 12 Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers of this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
The devil would like us Christians to crumble in the face of adversity.
The devil would like to distract us from the power of God.
The devil has no power over us.
I instinctively knew all this…and yet, where to find help? I searched for devotional materials that would soothe my soul and direct me towards the peace that eluded me. So…I wrote my own devotions. Through my own experience, struggle, study I picked up a few things along the way:
- I learned that I had to face the good, the bad, the ugly of my life head on. I had to face it to know what to deal with… ACCEPT.
- I learned that I needed to take a good, hard look in the mirror and see my piece in unpleasant matters. CONFESS.
- I learned that God was bigger, stronger, smarter than I could ever be. If He can part the Red Sea, He can certainly sort out my life. LET GO.
- I REMEMBERED God; what He did for me, and because I am so thankful-it changes every moment of every day (even the unpleasant ones). THANKFUL
- I practiced sitting quiet to watch and wait for God to work. Prayers are heard instantly and yet answered moments, days, weeks, years, decades later. STILL
My instincts proved correct and the latest bereavement research teaches the “Dual Process Model”, focusing on the loss and restoration simultaneously going forward with waves of each lapping back and forth. The Dual Process Model is the secular world’s answer for dichotomy of saint and sinner depicted from Genesis to Revelation in scriptures. We are all a combination of both.
Romans 7:19-20 I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, I do it anyway.
Romans 8:1-2 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2 And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.
Am I saying that it is my fault that tragedy occurred? Absolutely not. Bad stuff happens in the broken, fallen world. Bad stuff happens to good people.
- Great, talented people lose their jobs.
- People get diagnosed with terrible diseases.
- Horrific accidents happen to the old, and young.
- Dear friends, loved ones move across country to relocate and we miss them.
- Our lives move from one stage to the next; retiree, empty nester & families grow/shrink.
Pain happens. The only place to go, the only place you will receive unconditional love, forever and ever The Alpha & The Omega, The Beginning & the End. There is only One who will stitch your heart together again…and that is God. How long will it take? Only God knows. Each of us is created so different with different experiences, strengths and talents. Lean on Him to provide for you.
As for the steps of grief, instead of a “how to”, there is a place for daily study, reflection and renewal. Join me on this journey as I accept the path given to me; confess my part in all this; let go and let God fix all this; thank Him for just being Him and sit still and wait on him. He has got this. He has you first and foremost, even in a dark corner.
May you always be…Blessed & Inspired
Casey Salminen
PS If you would like to receive a copy of my daily devotions, write me at casey@blessed-inspired.com
O’Connor, Mary Frances (2022) The Grieving Brain, Harper Collins, 2022.
Kubler-Ross, Elizabeth, (1969) On Death & Dying, Scribner Book Company.
Stock ID 1890364178 www.istock.com December 30, 2023. Mikhail Konoplev.
The One Year Bible, New Living Translation, Tyndale House, Carol Stream, Il. Ephesians 6:10, p.1037; Romans 7:19-20, p. 763; Romans 8:1-2 p. 763.
It's Complicated
Published Mar 12, 2025
It's Complicated
The afternoon sunlight washed over the highway. I sipped my coffee as I turned on old familiar roads I hadn’t traveled in years. As I passed the familiar landmarks haunting emotions washed over me. Pain, regret, guilt, loss and ever-present loneliness appeared out of nowhere.
It has been years since the death of my parents, 27 & 15 years: 15 since cancer and 7 since my divorce. God has stitched my heart back together-this is for sure. Yet, I go back to the tried and true tools in my toolbox to navigate new twists and turns.
According to the DSM-5, Prolonged Grief Disorder affects about 10%, I would think it higher. Feelings of disbelief, intense sorrow, having difficulty re-engaging are all at play. Finding meaning in the mess is key.
This is where Christians part company with the rest of the world as we sit with grief and loss. The secular world view tells us it is all meaningless, so eat drink and be merry. The Christian worldview is that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Life is a gift. We must navigate the waters of grief and loss with God, He will carry us .
Psalm 55:16 But I will call on God and the Lord will rescue me. Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice.
Symptoms of Complicated Grief include health consequences:
- Chronic Stress
- Missed Doctor Appointments
- Higher Blood Pressure & Cholesterol
- Alcohol & Drug Use
- Insomnia
- Weakened Immune System
Mayor Clinic says the best way to manage feelings of grief us to talk about feelings of grief, seek out support and take part in bereavement counseling.
Reach out today. We would love to hear from you.
I founded Blessed & Inspired to give women an opportunity to come together, to be that long term support network, to pray with one another and be there for the long haul.
My prayer for each one of you is that you finally:
- Understand & accept the good, bad & ugly of it all
- Learn to see your role in the mix
- Give it all to God, let Him fix it
- Be thankful, even for the flower in the cement
- Sit still & wait-the Lord will do mighty things.
As your flower struggles to grow & bloom in the cement, May God bless you richly.
Casey Salminen
Founder
Blessed & Inspired
www.istock.com ID 1256812848, Aug 16, 2020.
The One Year Bible, New Living Translation, Tyndale House, Psalm 55:16-17, pg. 269
Godman, Heidi (2022) Getting Stuck In Longterm Grief, Harvard Health Letter, September 1, 2022.
Look Up & Get Moving
Feb 7, 2026
While reading Exodus this week, I read the familiar account of the Children of Israel leaving Egypt, pinned between the Red Sea and Pharoah chasing them, they griped, “Why did you bring us out here to die?” This is after the plagues, after the Passover, after being led directly through a cloud by day and pillar of by night, they still doubted…and God’s leader said…
Ex 14:13 But Moses told the people “Don’t be afraid, just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Egyptians you see will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you, just stay calm.
We are to be BRAVE, STILL, & WATCH. Easier said than done when you are backed up against the wall… and it just gets worse. Somehow, it is hard to see daylight in the chaos. Can you relate to the children of Israel? They are facing death on two sides.
- Living with the chronic diagnosis that just gets worse.
- Caring for a sick loved one…and the boss piles on criticism and insult.
- Trying to heal a broken relationship…met with conflict or worse, indifference.
- Just making it with the bills, then the unexpected crisis occurs and it is a real mess.
When we face real battles at home, work, with our friends, family and in the community things can and often go from bad to worse, we aren’t alone. Take Abraham for example,
Abraham worries he will never have an heir, God tells him, “Do not be afraid, Abram.” One of my favorite verses, He then tells Abram, ‘Look up at the heavens and count the stars-if indeed you can count them…so shall your offspring be.’ And it was so. Gen 15:1, 5
Even later, Jehoshaphat follows his father Asa, and Jehoshaphat faced to Moabites, he fasted, prayed and God responded. In 20:15, this is what God said, “Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” In verse 29 it says, 29 The fear of God came upon all the kingdoms of the countries when they heard how the Lord had fought against the enemies of Israel. 30 And the kingdom of Jehoshaphat was at peace for his God had given him rest on every side.
The idea is prevalent through scripture. There will be battles, there will be big ones and little ones…and there will be whoppers that make us freeze in our tracks. It is when you face one of those times, that the Lord asks you, like he did his beloved Children of Israel, to stop and be brave, be still and watch what He will do.
Being still is hard for all of us. We want to do something. We fuss, we fidget, we distract, we go, anything but sit and think on things. The world is full of too much chaos, the news, well, it’s just too much most days. God had got this. We have no clue how He will do it, but He will. The question is how do we get still and watch? We look up. We look out. Turn off the technology, what do you see? Wait for it, wait to see what God will do. We don’t know how long we wait, yet we watch. He will provide for us. Think Red Sea amazed, it is His battle and He will do it. He saved the Children of Israel, he destroyed their enemies, He did it all.
The battle you are facing is His battle and not your own. Let him do it. The final verse in the Exodus saga before God parts the Red Sea. He says to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the people to get moving!
There is a time to
- Be Still
- Wait
- Watch
- Cry Out to the Lord
Look up and get moving. God might reward you like Jehoshaphat, rest on all sides.
Casey Salminen
Founder, Blessed Inspired
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The One Year Bible, New Living Translation, Tyndale House, Pg 117 Ex 14:13-15.
Concordia Self Study Bible (Concordia Publishing House, St. Louis, MO. Gen 15:1 pg 28; 2 Chron20:17.
Hallman, Lisa www.pixabay.com, Pixabay trees 2217078_640, lisahallman - Pixabay
Basement Girl Published 3/5/23
II sat down to write classmate I hadn’t seen in 40 years. How do you sum up an entire life in a few paragraphs? I hit the biographical points: Marriage, three children, several cross-country moves, some unexpected career changes, and pet additions. Then the unexpected, unthinkable happened, a divorce after 29 years. I moved into a small apartment on the third floor with my beagle Maddie. We took long walks under the huge trees that lined the pond by my home. About two years ago, I moved into the lower level of one of my birthday buddies. We live in a beautiful condo on a tree lined street with nice neighbors and a cul-de-sac. She is upstairs, I’m down. The plan was I’d stay for a few years to cut expenses and pay off some bills. As of today, I'm Basement Girl.
The meme on the FB page noted, “You are what you planned to be five years ago.”
I can't really say this lifestyle is anything I'd aspired to…yet here I am. At this stage in my life, I pictured myself semi-retired, a spacious home & yard to host Sunday dinners with children and grandchildren. Weekends would be filled with plays, craft shows and church activities. This would be the time in my life where I would wind down. Instead, I find myself “amping up” with a completely new and different life.
People kept greeting me at church, in meetings or social gatherings wondering how I weathered the recent storms of cancer, relocation and finding myself single after decades. My answer was always the same, the Lord healed my heart a stitch at a time, helped me forgive where I needed to, let go when I didn’t want to, and embrace a totally new purpose.
It is true, life certainly didn’t turn out like I planned. Yet, as I look around my 675 square foot apartment, I do not find despair or disappointment. I find opportunity. A chance to learn, grow and serve others. Life is full of trade-offs: my kitchenette doubles as the laundry room and my office is in the sitting room closet. I’m making do because you are worth it.
Women started calling, stopping by for coffee, ending up at my dining room table usually in tears. They helped me dive a bit deeper into the concept of grief and loss. What made women resilient and self-sufficient…I set out to find out. I studied, prayed, studied and prayed some more. I went back to school and earned my MBA at Concordia River Forest. Along the way, something wonderful happened, I got my MOJO back and created a new story that gives all the glory to God.
Last year, we incorporated Blessed & Inspired. Our mission is to provide women a path through and beyond grief. We are excited to bring you this ministry that focuses women, two by two, together at the foot of the cross over the long haul. These women will connect, encourage and mentor one another through trauma to a new life with joy and wonder.
Too many times women are alone and suffering loss. These losses range from the loss of a loved one, a sickness, lost job and broken homes. We call these the 4 D’s: Death, Disease, Downsizing or Divorce. They believe the lies the devil tells them: they aren't enough. I’m here to tell you that to all those women who wake up alone on Christmas morning, you are enough. In fact, you are so important, God sent His Son to save you and die for you. Youare cherished and you are chosen by God for great things and you are loved beyond words. Remember that.
In the meantime...you will find me in the basement chairing board meetings, writing blogs, listening to the women that call me each and every day.
Call me, Basement Girl
If you know a woman that has suffered a deep loss and needs a connection, please contact us.